Dad’s in the Delivery Room

I was asked a few months ago  by a parenting magazine to write a bit of advice for dads in the delivery room and about bonding for the Ultimate Maternity Guide that they were producing. The guide is now published but I don’t think that they ran my contribution. So here it is in full. I probably should have published it 2 weeks ago, before my wee brother went in with his wife to have their first. I put it down to being too busy with the kids and job applications.

Our new family relaxing in the Anti-Natal ward in 2007

The role of Dads has changed a lot over the last 40 years, you’re no longer expected to wait outside, it’s time for you to get right in there and claim your right to parent as equal to your partners.

There will be loads of advice during the pregnancy (this whole guide is for you as well as for your partner.) Take it on board, some of it will be good, some of it conflicting but you need to decide for yourselves as a couple what you want to follow.

At the beginning…

Your partner may only suffer mild nausea or you may end up holding her hair or emptying basins several times a day. Regardless which you can start from the very first weeks to provide support by doing as many as the jobs that need to be done from housework, cooking light meals, and supplying cups of tea and glasses or water to keep her energy and fluid levels up.

During the later months attend anti natal classes, discuss with her the plans for the labour so that you are aware of what her wishes are; discuss possible baby names and even what style of parenting that you want to follow when the bay comes home. You might also have to do (finish) some redecorating as she begins nesting.

In the hospital

The labour can be a long process and you’ll end up being in the hospital for a long time. When preparing the bags, bring food, proper food (sandwiches) as well as snacks, chocolate for both you and your partner. Bring something to read, magazines or a light book for your partner and something for yourself. Reading the newspaper or magazine is somehow less offensive than if it looks like you’re playing on your phone.

Find out how to properly install the car seat (40% are installed wrongly in Ireland according to the RSA), and understand how to put the buggy up and down.

The labour can range from a wonderful to a frightening experience for your partner, it’s part of your job to make it the former. You might feel like a lame duck there but holding her hand, rubbing her back, supporting her to walk if she needs to pace the corridors, fetching her book, water or whatever else she needs is all invaluable.

If your partner considers changing her plans support her and ask the midwifes to act on it. If she decides she wants an epidural, it will take at least 1 hr 40 min, with blood tests and surgery for it to be effective.

During delivery focus on your partner, tell her she’s doing well, help her with the breathing (breath, pant, push with her) and remind her she’s beautiful. Listen to the mid wives and communicate well with your partner so she feels reassured.

If she can’t make skin to skin contact because she needs stitches or had a section then you take your top off and do it. It is truly the most amazing feeling you will ever have. Don’t be afraid.

Don’t wait or leave it to someone else to change your baby’s nappy and if your partner is not breast feeding be there to feed the baby while your partner sleeps, or gets cleaned.

Back home

It’s perfectly natural to feel unsure of what you are doing and it’s OK to ask other experienced parents for advice they are always happy to share their experiences. You can find other dad’s, bloggers or on some discussion boards as well as your own social network who will be happy to get to chat about their kids, failures and successes.

Post natal depression is a very common illness so be aware that she might need help, it’s not a failure. Help your partner get a good night’s sleep by doing night feeds and helping the baby settle when they awaken. Yes you might have to get up in the morning to go out to work, but until you actually spend 24 hrs a day minding a baby on your own you will never know how draining it is.

Bonding

It’s perfectly natural not to bond instantly with your child and it might take a few months but like anything the more you put into it the more you get out.

The best way to bond with anyone is spending time with them. Hold your child a bit while they sleep, feed them, change them and play with them (when they are awake) as much as you can. In particular have a time of the day which is yours to spend with them. For example, at night time give them the last feed, tell them a story and sing them a song to help settle them to sleep. You’ll find as the baby grows that this routine will help them settle at night, and help them get back to sleep quickly if they waken.

By doing the night feeds it also gives you a very personal time with your child. No-one else is there with you, it’s nice and quiet and you can give them un-distracted time to get to know you. The down side is for the next 10 years when they waken at night it’ll be you that they call for at night, but sure it’s great to know that you’re loved and needed despite what they will tell you during the day time.

A Promise Kept: The Great Outdoors

Do you ever make a long term plan to do something with your kids.  Well long term is not the right word, but something in the distant future? You know, maybe buy them some floats with the thought of going to the pool, or buy a tent so that you can “in the Future” go camping.  Which is grand, you can prepare to do these things at “some-point-in-the-future” with no specific time frame in mind and you can spread the cost.

Which is all great until the kids find out; because then it’s “when can we go camping?”, “Can we go camping tonight?”, “Are we going camping this weekend?” and on and on and on…

For the last few months I was able to fob them off with we’ll do it “during the summer”. Then it as we got to the summer holidays it was “the tent is too big for our back garden” (it is) “We’ll have to wait till we’re in Granny & Granda’s or Donegal. Now it wasn’t a sudden aversion to camping which made me stall, but the knowledge that they would not settle well in the tent till late at night, likely would be up early and then cranky the rest of the following two days. I didn’t want them being tired and cranky, along with the school term.

Finally a few weeks ago in mid July, I packed the tent and new sleeping bags into the car to go and visit my parents. I did inform the kids that camping this weekend could only happen on the 13th July, depending on the weather and how things were going outside the garden (12th July in N. Ireland)

The 13th came along and it was dry and the streets were quiet, so the tent was pitched, mats rolled out and sleeping bags readied. My Mum seen it as her chance to mind Tomás for the night, but I argued that he’d be fine and that I wanted to see how he did sleeping in the tent before we tried taking him else where.

Camping out in the Great Outdoors

Aoife and Aidan were very excited. They were changed for bed and out in the tent long before I was going to put them down for the night. So stories were read,prayers said and they were left out there for a bit on their own to chat. There was no point me staying with them at that point, I’d get no peace and still had Tomás to get ready for bed.

Someone had already beaten me to giving him his bottle before bedtime, in fact they had given him two! As I settled down on the couch with his PJs and a clean nappy he clambered over to me with that look which can mean one of two things. Either he was very, very tired or he was not feeling very well and wanted a cuddle. Unfortunately it was the latter.

After a few minutes contently sitting in my arms he stood up, to climb on to me and promptly brought the whole two bottles up all over me. My dad fortunately was there to run and get some towels to clean up the sick off the couch and off my clothes. Dad then took Tomás to get him cleaned down while I went and changed into my PJs. Of course Tomás was now full of energy and wide awake again. So I got myself a bowl of cereal for supper, which I had almost finished when a well aimed swing of his arm and Tomás sent the bowl of cereal all over me.

So as soon as I was changed again, we were out the door for me to try and settle him in the tent, and miracle or miracles after tell him his story, he settled quickly in my arms. I was able to transfer him to his own sleeping mat and sleeping bag with out disturbing him. Aidan was still chatting and messing but gradually getting quieter and eventually asleep.

Tomás slept soundly all night

Eventually Aidan slept

Once asleep everyone slept well a part for an early morning run to the bathroom (Great Outdoors one) by one early riser.

But she settled back down quickly and it was after 8:30 before anyone started to waken.

Aoife had a great sleep too

The camping trip was a great success, everyone slept well and the kids had a great time. Much to my mothers disappointment Tomás slept better than he had when he was inside the house in the travel cot. Just goes to show you can’t always tell what they prefer.

So my only regret is that we didn’t go camping sooner. The fears that Tomás might not settle or that the kids would want to go back into the house as soon as it got dark didn’t materialise. So I’m all encouraged to go and take the kids to one of the many great camp sites around the country. That’ll be the next hurdle to cross.